A letter to Mr. President

Dear Sir,

Yesterday, people from all over the globe watched you as you simply told you own story of Darfur..

I as a Sudanese living in Sudan am getting more confused day after day..

Wanting to belive you, for you should be our leader and our guide.. Wanting to belive you cuz your story is kinder to our hearts..

But we cannot deny and shut our ears from other sources telling us different stories..

We no longer know who is right and who is wrong..

But what we know.. is that people in darfur are suffering..

9,000 or 200,000.. The number doesnt matter.. Even if it was ONE person suffering in any part of Sudan, its your duty to help and relief sons and daughters of Sudan.

Talking about the Aid agencies exagerating the number of rapes.. We dont care if its 1,000 girlswho got raped.. we dont care if its only one.. what matters that it is happening.. It is your duty to help those innocent girls.. 1 or 1000.. They all need your help..

We all dont want the UN to enter Sudan through Darfur.. We dont want another Afghanistan or another Iraq.. Thats why it is up to you to solve this issue..
Its in your hands..

We hereby kindly ask you and request you, to save our brothers and sisters in Darfur.. Arab or African they are all sudanese.. They are all your responsibility..

We dont want to hear different stories from here and there.. We want you to stand up and say the truth,, no matter how hard it is.. we will stand by you.. we will not let the UN, the US or UK to interfer in our matters..

Admit, confess then solve it.. with all the powers you have.. Assistance from the AU or the Arab countries if necessary..

Give us the TRUTH and we will back you up.. stand by you.. We will do anything to help our families in Darfur and to protect the land of our beloved country Sudan..

Help our people in Darfur.. anything else can be solved afterwards..

Eternal Flame

I admit..
I'm a total Oldiez Fan..

Here one of all my all time Favourites..

The Bangles.. Eternal Flame..




Special dedication to someone special..

I Hate You No More.. I Forgive You

"A heart that hates can never love.."

This is my 2nd step in my therapy..To forgive and forget..


To the one who was my Best friend for 5 years.

For five years we have been as close as brother and sister.. Through all the good times.. and bad.. You were always there..I lost many friends.. but never lost you..You been through many heartbreaks.. but I was always there to make you feel better..And after all this..After all the five years.. You break it all in just one night.. Leaving me in complete confusion..All just for her..
I forgive you.. I dont blame you any more, nor do I blame her..
You choose her love over my friend ship.. its your life.. its you choice..
I will from now on, only remember our good times.. all the times you've been there for me..And I promise you, if you ever need me.. I will be there for you..
I'm still and will always be your friend..
I'm your sister.. I'm your family.. I will never turn my back on you..

Dear best friend.. I forgive you..

To my high school friend..
We have known each other for more than 8 years..
It was a shame loosing all of this..
You have known me, much better than you knew her.. still you belived her and trusted her.. yet you threw away our friendship for her..
I will not blame you too any more.. nor will blame her..
I forgive you.. for those lonely nights when I had no one to talk to..
I still care for you.. and will not give up on you..for the sake of all those 8 years..for the sake of our high school days.. the best years in our lives..for the sake of those beautiful memories.. I will not give up on you..
Every day I pray for you and I'll always be here for you..

Dear friend.. I forgive you..

To You.. the reason why I lost the closest people to me heart..

I feel so sorry for you..
I have no hate inside my heart for you.. but sympathy..
I here admit and confess that I have problems.. I am working on solving my problems.. I hurted people and I am apologizing to them.. I know and realise this will make me feel more comfortable with life..
I wish you can reach this conclusion.. I wish you realise soon that your ways are wrong and that you're only hurting yourself..
I pray to god that you will have the strength and courage to confess and admit that you have insecurity problems that you need to solve..
I will pray for you everyday, that god will help you and lead you to the right way and heal you from your problems..
And if you shall every need a friend to talk to.. I will be here for you..
I will demand no apology, for your honest words will be enough..
Dear L, I forgive you..

To you.. heartbreaker..

How can I hate you, after I realised that what you did leaded to this..
To me finding "him"..
I hate you no more..
It was the selfish "you" that did this to me.. I hope this selfish you doesnt exist no more..I will pray to god that you will find a true love, a love that you will be sincere to.. a love that you can be honest to.. A love that you will cherich forever..A love like the one I have now..I deeply wish you will learn to love honestly and faithfully..I never knew or understood the true meanings of Love till I met him..
Am thankful to you.. for if it wasnt for your hurt, your heartbreak.. I wouldnt have realised just how much he loves me..If it wasnt for the pain I had in my heart.. I wouldnt have realised you much I am blessed..
I am thankful to god.. for everything I been through.. the pain you and others cuased me.. Cuz this pain makes me appreciate the love I have now..

Dear Heartbreaker..I hate you no more.. I forgive you..
I thank you..

No hate is left in my heart.. Only love for those who love me..
Only sympathy for those who never knew how to love..
Only happiness for the way my life goes..
Only appreciation to god for blessing me with much love..

Always belived that unconditional love can not exist among humans.. only Gods love to his creations.. to his worshippers.. Now I realise that God can bless us with a taste if his unconditional love when its time...

"Thank you god for giving me the ability to forgive and to love.. thank you god for giving me the chance to feel this unconditional love"

1st Step in my Depression Therapy - I Hate you

My previous "Why do I feel so sad" post and the incidents that happened that day, made me realise how serious my "Depression" might get some times.. and its affecting my self confidence, my career and my social life.. not forgetting how it might even cuase loosing the few people who still stick around me..

I need therapy, serious therapy. They always say that the first step is acknowlodging that I have a problem.. here I am.. I confess.. I am a person with phsycological problems and serious issues..

The reasons.. The cuase.. letting it all out is a second step..
These are my thoughts...


A broken heart, and an injured soul is what you have left behind...
I still dont know your reasons for leaving me.. I still do not understand..
Maybe you didnt even love me, so why did you lie to me for so long? why all the acts? the promises?
I have changed my self, My life, everything so it would suit your needs and fit your picture perfect for your future wife..

Everything you wanted and everything you needed.. I was always there for you..
You made me love you, trust you and belive in you..
I belived in God, belived in his last messanger mohammed, and I belived in you.. I belived in us..
Every day.. every night.. I was praying to god that you will be mine.. and I will be yours..
The night you decided to break my heart.. Tears wouldnt stop.. and all I can think.. all i can say was " Why god?" for a whole night I wasnt blaming you.. I was blaming God..
Can you belive this? I loved you to the point I was mad at god for loosing you.. not mad at you.. Such a fool I was..
All I could think of that night.. that all my prayers were useless.. was unheard..
Didnt god hear me when I prayed? Did I ask for too much?
I was confused.. mad.. my heart filled with sadness, with anger with pain..
Your excuse for leaving me was whats worse.. till the last moment you couldnt admit.. you couldnt confess that you never loved me.. till the last moment you had me feeling sorry for you..
For a whole week.. Everynight I would cry for you.. I lost faith.. yes I lost my faith.. why pray if he's not gonna listen?
I would be talking with my friends.. and suddenly.. I would remember you.. and burst into tears..
I was weak.. for the first time in years.. my friends.. my family saw my tears.. saw my weakness
and trust me.. I hate you now not for leaving me.. not for breaking my heart.. but for the way you made me loose my faith..I hate you.. and I hate that..
My heart never hated any one before.. and now I hate you..
I hate you for those days I lost my faith..
I hate you for those days I doubted God..
I hate you for all the tears I cried for you..
I hate you for the pain for the hurt I still feel..
I hate you for making me loose my strength and my self confidence..
I hate you.. becuase after more than a year.. I still cant learn to trust people.. trust love.. trust my feelings..
I hate you .. becuase you are the reason I am hurting the kindest and sweetest person I've ever known..
I hate you.. becuase you were my first heartbreak and I promised you would be the last..
I hate you.. becuase I cannot belive any love word or any passionate promise..
I hate you.. For those days after when you were giving me signals and signs of hope..
I hate you.. becuase you still talk to me like nothing ever happened..
I hate you.. becuase you made me feel stupid. foolish.. and used..
I hate you.. becuase you made me hate my self..
I hate you even more.. becuase now I realise you aint worth any of this.. You never deserved my love.. you aint worth my tears.. you aint worth this pain..You aint worth these words.. you aint worth the memories..
I hate you... becuase I realise and understand all of this.. and still I cannot get over this pain..
I cannot forget..
I hate you.. becuase I cannot forgive you.. I tried to forgive and forget.. but I couldnt..
I hate you.. becuase what you did.. stands between me and my chance for a fairy tale of eternal love.. becuase you're pulling me back..
I hate you becuase, even though my faith is stronger than ever.. my love for God is stronger than ever.. My belive and trust in god are larger than before.. but I still find it hard to pray for another chance in love.. I still find it hard.. to belive in this new love..

Now.. that I've let it all out..why dont I feel better? Why do i feel worse now?
I guess my way of therapy is totaly wrong..Anyone has a good advice?!
Maybe what I need are those memory pills Hope talked about in her blog..


Wonder what he would say.. if he reads this.. and realise its meant for him..

I am Ending this Letter as a Muslim

Inspiring story.
(hat tip: Ja3leyah from Shamarat.net)


This is a letter that was written by a 17 year old named Aaron Greenwich.

I'm real mad. Because ever since March 3rd 1998, I've been searching for a point in my life. That day in March, I went to this party..you know, one of those parties with high power music rockin the house, plenty of booze and endless variations of drugs, and plenty of (well, to put it mildly) shameless girls and
drunk boys equals? So I guess I smoked too many joints, and I ended up in the hospital for three weeks. That gave me time to think over life. Okay, we are born, grow older, wiser, and each of us develops our own personalities for better or worse. We all try to reach the top of the world and either we do or we
spend our lives trying to. Basically we live to have more, always. Don't u see?
You wake up, get dressed make yourself look good, go to school come back do your homework, have some fun and to sleep. And it never changes. All right, then u graduate and go to work or raise some kids. But it keeps repeating. U know that saying, "History repeats itself?" It does, but then we die. Now for some reason humans spend so much time pondering over every single atom on earth except
death. I know it scares them. Why wouldn't it? It happens to everyone and no one knows why. Well, MOST people don't know why. But I do. You think all those d*** cruel people who lived on this earth (I can name millions) will get away with everything they did? And those few good will go un-rewarded? So anyway we die. We leave behind everything. EVERYTHING. You think that the Porsche u spent your
whole life trying to get is going with u? The only things that're going with u are your burial clothes and coffin, if that even. And there is one other thing, but it's unseen. Your deeds. ALLLL the things u did in this life, good and bad, go with you. And so we're in the grave. What happens to you in the grave is
another story but basically your body rots. I mean your "this life" body. The body that we had for (if we are lucky) 80 years is gone and with it our doings!
Alright so you're out of the picture. Gone. Then, fellow Americans, if we are not here to live life like a party....whats the point? WHY DO WE LIVE? Why do so many people commit suicide? Because they never had the answer to the above question. Some people know. Some. And its man's best kept secret. I know what your thinking. "Oh god he's gonna preach us on religion." Not exactly It's a WAY
OF LIFE, and what if I told u its called ISLAM? I'm Christian. But Christianty is a RELIGION not a WAY OF LIFE. 80% of Americans are "Christians", but sad to say, look at them. Homosexuality, suicide, drugs, adultery, even among their own preachers is common. I should know. The old pastor at my church got kicked out for molesting a child. I'm not attacking anyone. I'm saying the facts. Besides
that, it doesn't make sense. Neither do the other million "religions" found on this earth. They all claim to be simple religions, usually claiming belief in one god. But they are lacking in on truth, the facts. Alright, Aaron get on to your point. Sure. What was my 1st sentence? I'm real mad. Why? Cause everyone
knows about Islam. And they ignore it, hide it. Why did I learn everything in school except Islam? From Greek God sh** to Buddha. If u read one verse of Islam's book you will believe me. Guaranteed. Because it is the Truth. And its man's best-kept secret. They hide it because it reminds them of the TRUE PURE
REAL point of life....They want us to be just like them, monsters in disgiuse, filthy, do every sin under the sun and call it a "life". I will not fall again into that trap most of us fell into. I have a life. I have Islam. I'm sorry Jean, Dad and mostly Gramps, a pious Christian who tried to change my views. Im
stepping down from my old way of life AND my old religion. I started this letter as a Christian but I end it as a Muslim. " I bear witness that there is no God worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is the last messenger"

Darfur - The Arabs are Victims too

Jan Pronk the expelled head of United Nations operations in Sudan calls world powers to finance an African Union peacekeeping force for Darfur..

Here's a good article found at Sudan Tribune, originally posted by Julie Flint, from the washington post.

"In the fourth year of the war in Sudan’s Darfur region, tens of thousands of
Arab nomads are barely clinging to life in the ravaged valley that extends north
from the central Jebel Marra massif. Their settlements have been destroyed and
their herds targeted. Their traditional migration routes have been cut. The
villages, markets and clinics on which they depended lie abandoned and in ruins.
Their children have one of the highest mortality rates in Darfur. Measles,
whooping cough, hepatitis E, jaundice and the most virulent form of meningitis,
W135 — rural Darfur has them all. There are small, everyday tragedies, too,
repeated in almost every community: In one impoverished nomad settlement, nine
young people died in collapsing hand-dug wells over the course of only three
weeks. Their deaths, like those of all other nomad children in this war, went
unremarked.
The Abbala, the camel nomads of North Darfur, have always been the most vulnerable, the most neglected, of the region’s many communities. So it is no coincidence that the hard core of today’s Janjaweed militias — the Sudanese government’s predominantly Arab proxies in the war against rebel troops
— come from their ranks. The abhorrent crimes of the Janjaweed — rape, pillage,
murder — have made it easy to forget that Darfur’s indigenous nomads are
themselves victims, driven into the embrace of a government of serial war
criminals by drought, desertification and brute poverty.
The incurious reporting that has reduced the war to a simple morality tale, an African "Lord of the Rings," equates Janjaweed with Arab, and especially Abbala. But only a minority of Darfur’s 300,000 or so Abbala have joined the 20,000 to 30,000
Janjaweed. Most have refused to contribute soldiers, well aware that good relations with their non-Arab neighbors are more important than an alliance with an uncaring government hundreds of miles away.
Yet they have been collectively stigmatized for the crimes of the Janjaweed and their suffering has been ignored. Few journalists have written about them, or listened to them — myself included.

Read more at "Darfur - The Arabs are victims too".

* Julie Flint is coauthor of "Darfur: A Short History of a Long War" (Zed Books). She can be reached at flintjulie@onetel.com

Why do I feel so sad?

I had a post ready in drafts,, just needed some few more things to add, bout the "Women in Islam" Conference I went to last night.. But maybe some other time..

As usual.. am letting my personal life, feelings and emotions control me..

Am letting my fear lead my life..

How can I not? when everything around me and everyone just seem to ..
Leave..
simply.. just.. leave..

Now.. am the one who's leavin.. Or am I?

Ok.. am too depressed at the moment..yeah somethin you should know bout me.. I'm the really moody type! and..

No. I'm a person who loves sadness.. yes simply.. I love to live in misery.. I search for it.. I drown my self in my own sorrows.. if there isnt any reason to be sad.. I will make a reason..

You know whats funny? When some one hurts me.. I tend to hurt others who never did? Dunno why? but thats what I always do..

well, anyway.. am really excited a friend finally decided to join te blogosphere.. take a look at
Nomadic Thoughts

Make sure you read her poem
" Storms over africa"


Final Note:
I really dont know how I ended up such a lonesome person.. and enjoyin this loneliness.. i guess!

Words in My Insane Mind- Specially for you..

Everything about you

Just drives me insane..

I promised my self.. not to make the same mistake again..
I swore to my self.. I wont ever fall again..
I will not be weak.. I will not let any one have the power of me..
No one will hurt me again.. No one will break this heart of mine...

Ever since I've known you.. all I do.. is push you away..
The harder I try.. The closer you are to me..

You're just drivin me insane...

Though you are so far away.. but still you are so close..
I'm feeling your words inside of me.. Sensing your emotions rushing towards me..
Every word you say is filled with love and passion..

Dreaming am I? For this can never be true..
Neither you nor your love..
not for me.. not in this life..

My heart is crying and begging my mind to set it free.. to let my feelings show..
My soul is dying to belive the words you say... to live this beautiful dream..
Once was dead.. Killed.. murdered.. But now hoping you'd be the one to heal the wounds..

But no.. no..
I've already given all the keys to my mind.. after my heart has shown weakness and failed many times before..

My eyes testifying against my heart.. yelling .. asking for my mind to stay in control..
Enough tears.. Enough pain.. We've cried so much.. for so many nights..

Please leave me alone.. Cuz the thought of you..

Just drives me insane..

I told you many times before.. I warned you.. "I'm a hopeless case" I said..
You said you were hopeless in your own way..
You're hopelessly in love..
am hopelessly afraid of love...

Confusion is killing me everynight.. every morning..
Cant stop thinking about you..
You're not giving me another choice either...

I know.. I realise.. A love like this.. A love like yours.. is hard to find.. is such a bliss..
A gift from god..
But what will I do the day its over?! Who will I turn to, when you're suddenly gone?
I been there.. I know how much it hurts..
To feel my soul dying.. and my heart breaking..
I can physically feel it...
All humanity inside of me is gone..
I lost sense of time.. of place of people..

But still, the thought of you..

Just drives me insane...

Listening to the song.. you asked me to listen to..
I think of you..
Flying.. is that what I'm feeling..
Yes, with you.. I'm flying..
Dont you know.. I got fear of flying..

You asked me to give you the keys.. trust you and let you drive..
I couldnt..
Ok then you said.. you drive..
I couldnt..
Don't you understand.. I'm too scared to get in the car!!!
You're pushing me..

You're driving me insane...

I listen to my song.. Butterflyz.. and thats what your words do to me..
They give me butterflyz..
you get me flying so high in the sky..
I cant control the butterflyz

You got me.. Completly insane!!

I'm driving my self crazy.. thinking.. asking.. wondering..
Decide.. girl.. make up your mind..
You love him.. you love him not..
That was your question, remember?!
"She loves me.. She loves me not"
Even I .. dont know the answer...
Your fate lead you to the most confused troubled heart ever..
So injured and filled with wounds..
Yet controled by its pride..
But still, that didnt change..
the fact..

That you're driving me insane..

You're just too good to be true...
You'll get me so high to 7th sky..
And the fall would be so hard..
to 7th ground..
And yet..
I still cant stop thinking of you..
I cant stop caring about you...
I cant stop Falling for you..

You surely are..
Driving me insane..



Note: Just to make it clear.. this is NOT a poem, incase anyone thought this is a lousy poem..
These were just the simple words, rushing through my head.. when I think of him.
He deserves a whole post written for him.. he deserves more than just a post in my blog..
he deserves a part of my heart, if not the whole of it.. I wish the days comes when I shall..
surrender it to him.. I hope when that day comes.. no regrets.. no pain and no heartache will follow...

"Please god, if he is the one.. let it be.. If he is not.. let me know before its too late

Have merci on my weak heart.. and let this be the end of my lonliness"

A National Poem By an Egyptian Girl

I just read this poem in Isis blog, and I must say that I really admire the bravery of this girl..

She is so motivated by the love of her country, which made her write and publish such a peom..

I already linked once before to an article of hers Rejecting my Virginity, I was impressed about how she took such a serious and social matter to study it and display in different ways, writting her opinion, not caring what people would say..

I was 100% supporting her view in that article.. but I might have a little differences when it comes to this poem.. But still I have so much respect for her for having the courage to post and publish it..

More of her kind are needed in the blogosphere.. more people to publish their opinions more honestly and couragesly.

Please spare a little time and read her National Poem.

All bout my veil!!

I dunno why suddenly there is so much fuss on Vielz, Hijab, Nikab or whatever..

People with... Others against.. some demanding banning it..

Since when do i need people to judge me on what I wear.. If its a skirt, Jeans or a head cover.. or even a nikab covering my face..

Since when do other people decide for me what am I supposed to wear or not!!

When i first heard bout girls banned from school becuase of their Hijab, I felt sorry for them.. I was proud of those who stuck to their hijab.. and shamful for others who dropped the Hijab..

Then it was Turkey.. I was shocked.. I thanked god that I am not living in any of those countries..

Now, its everywhere! its like a fever! Everyone has a say on this subject.. and its even happening
here.. in our very own Muslim, Arab countries..

Ok.. so, everyone has his opinion.. I cant decide for you what you think.. but the least you can do in cosider peoples feelin when you're expressing your mind to the public.. right?! or am I still living in an ideal world of my own!!

Some are with what he said.. Others are against.. But everyone is writing and talking on this matter..

Its just everywhere
More about it here and here

I mean, I for my self.. dont wear burqa or Nikab. and am just keeping it simple with the simplest Hijab that just covers the hair, which is to my understanding to Islam and as I was tought when I was young is wat is right..

Still I belive wearing Nikab or Burqa is freedom of opinion of who ever is weariing it.. yes I am against forcing it.. but also am against making rules to ban it!! its freedom of opinion!!

What?! Now Others are gonna tell me what to wear!!!! WHAT IS THIS?!

Am worried that maybe someday, my country, or if i moved to another country I would be put in such a situation.. U know what I would do?!

I would gladly give up school, work anything.. and just stay home!

Nothing.. NOTHING will keep me away from my religion..

Seriously, these people need to learn more about Islam and its true teachings.. and separate between the Religion of Islam and the traditions of some Muslim or arab countries. e.g: Afghanistan, Suadi Arabia, yemen & Iran.

Back on the right Track!

This post is for you, Black Kush answering your question in comment of -Todays word- post!



Today is 22nd November.. means I got 8 days left.. Only EIGHT days..

yes! I got so many plans and so many things in my head..Dunno where to start!!

Do you know that it took me 3 weeks to take this decision.. I guess even more..

My friend who's working in ( My previous Company) was always telling me how the General Manager/ CEO / Main Owner of the company, still couldnt find someone to take my place.. Its been 6 MONTHS.. and they couldnt find some one..

Before the Eid holiday, she told me that the New Administrative Manager, wants me to come back to the company., every one in the company was hoping I would come back, but they knew that the General Manager could not offer me a higher salary than the one am taking now.

Since my dearest friend told the A.M that I wasnt feeling much comfortable in my current job, he took the chance and talked to the GM bout it.. The GM approved on offering me a rather high Salary (compared to others working in his company) but still less then my current..

Doing some maths and calculations. transport, breakfast, working hours, in addition to what my HEART really is into, I agreed on taking thier offer..

I mainly approved becuase the 8 - 4 working hours will give me the chance to attend afternoon classes.. yes.. I'll finally be able to take that Bachelor degree i was always delaying ( mine now is just 2 yr diploma) and I can even take French classes..

Not to mention that I'll finally have a social life!!!

Working with my previous company, gave me more experience and knowledge in the Business field.. which am so in luuuuuuuv with.. (I'm plannin to take an MBA after my Bachelor enshala)
but here, my job had nothing to do with it.. I even felt like I was loosing many of my business related skills..

I will be doing something that I love, I will have the chance to improve and develop my self, I will be taking steps forward in achieving my many dreams and ambitions..

I think this is just priceless to waste for a position with a better salary! Don't u agree with me?

Oh and yes.. Subhan allah.. A very close and much Loved sister, managed to get me a side job with a company located in the Gulf.. yes.. and if things went well.. I would be getting as much as I already get now.. so i wnt have to change my monthly budget!!

This side job is just amazing in every way, not only that I will be getting an additional salary, but it gives me the chance to do somethin that I like too.. (no details here :P)

so. anyway, my current plan is..
1st I must find a substitute to take my place in time to show her whats the work all bout!
Well its not a must but I'd rather do that, dont wanna leave these guys messed up!

2nd.Thursday 30th Nov, should be my last day here, I will make sure everything is alright, in place.. all files organized and everything simple and easy for who ever is taking my place.

3rd. From Saturday my 2 weeks off will start.. yes I need some days off. I been working for 1 year 6 months with out a vacation, and now if I started the other job it will be another year! I NEED a holiday..

4th. First days of my short holiday, I will focus on doing all I can to get my Uni certificate! yes - belive it or not- I dont have it yet! it will be a couple of days going to and back from Uni.. I hate these procedures.

5th. If Im done and finally have my certificate, I will start looking for a Colleger where i can upgrade my degree from Diploma to Bachelor.. I'd rather it be in BUsiness Administration, but if its not possible then Computer Science it is.

6th.. If I'm done with all this and still have time - which I doubt- then its time to just chill out and relax.... Do some shopping maybe :D

7th.. 2 weeks are done, time to get back to work.. Go to my new office.. and start doing what I loved doing..

that's bout it!.. Wish me Luck people and pray for me!

Today's Word: Self Confidence

Confidence...The magic word is: Self Confidence...

By acting and showing that I am self confident of my abilities.. of what am saying.. of where I stand.. I can make it through any battle..

A "coward" from the other office, and yes a GUY, couldnt tell his boss by himself bout some silly mistake that will cause their department to pay extra money.. He asked me to come with him and explain to his boss what happened. since some how I was a part of it.. not part of the mistake though.. but a part of what happaned..

Although its HIS department.. HIS boss.. and partly HIS mistake ( i repeat partly, the other part is on the Clearance agency), but I agreed to come along with him..

I knew that his boss used to hate me.. or am not sure.. he has strange mood swings.. First days he used to like me and be very friendly to me.. SUDDENLY.. he just hates me.. yes hates me.. he made things harder for me at work in many ways.. and recently, yes... he likes me again!!

His mood swings and the fact that he is NOT my boss, made me careless bout him.. What he thinks or says doesnt affect me any more.. Therefore it was easy for me to go with this coward to talk to him..

I stepped into his office with full confidence..I knew deep inside, that if his current mood is HATING me, then he'll find a way to make this MY fualt and maybe take the mount off my salary! But, I knew it wasnt.. and I talked to him on this basis.

I let mr. coward talk first.. then the Moody boss, looked at me, as if he was wondering "Ok, what does she has to do with any of this".. I answered his confused face and explained the whole story again, telling how our department stuff got mixed with their stuff and therefore both cleared by OUR agent.. I also told that I have done my share of the work.. and asked mr. coward to contact our agent early before they cleared the stuff.. but apparntly he didnt..

The moody boss started making jokes.. wondering why is this such a big deal, acting as if this amount isnt so big for such a fuss.. I knew he was lying.. He HATES spending extra money.. Still I showed complete carelessness.. He made another joke on how they should pay it our of my salary.. a WHOLE month salary.. I luaghed "acting that I enjoy his sense of humor"..
And that was it.. When i was sure all is fine and clear I left the office leavin mr. coward behind..
Few minutes later he followed me to my office thanking for the help! I was thinkin "Man, and they still wonder why I'm still single? This is WHY?!!"

Later, I entered my boss office.. he wasnt there.. but only was the French Manager (who's position is higher than my Egyptian boss).. I placed a few papers on my boss desk and when i was leavin the office, the french guy said :"We will discuss this tomorrow.. Your letter" holding my resignation letter in his hand..

Deep inside I was like"Ok, watever.. but I'm leavin whether you like it.. LOVE it or HATE it".. I just smiled and said :"Ok.. no problem".. with a big self confident smile on my face.. I dunno but I think my smile also showed him that what I was thinkin is :" I DNT GIVE A DAMN"

Watever.. which is btw my favourite word!!
Helps me through any situation, sadness, frustration, dissapointment.. anythin.. I just remind my self sayin "nothin really matters after all,, so whatever"

Ofcourse if you know me too well, u'd know I'm not like that.. But I just say that to my self to make my feel better!

So, tomorrow it is.. I will come to my office with 200% Self confidence.. and no matter what they say or do will not affect me and I am still LEAVING them.. Enshala..

Who is civilized and who is not?!

A friend of mine sent this article to my email..

I was impressed how this English lady understood Islam so much and was able to answer many of the western questions about it.. and how she clearified many misconceptions on Islam and Muslim Women wearing Viels.

How I Came to Love the Veil

By Yvonne RidleySunday, October 22, 2006; B01
LONDON

I used to look at veiled women as quiet, oppressed creatures -- until I was captured by the Taliban.
In September 2001, just 15 days after the terrorist attacks on the United States, I snuck into Afghanistan, clad in a head-to-toe blue burqa, intending to write a newspaper account of life under the repressive regime. Instead, I was discovered, arrested and detained for 10 days. I spat and swore at my captors; they called me a "bad" woman but let me go after I promised to read the Koran and study Islam. (Frankly, I'm not sure who was happier when I was freed -- they or I.)
Back home in London, I kept my word about studying Islam -- and was amazed by what I discovered. I'd been expecting Koran chapters on how to beat your wife and oppress your daughters; instead, I found passages promoting the liberation of women. Two-and-a-half years after my capture, I converted to Islam, provoking a mixture of astonishment, disappointment and encouragement among friends and relatives.
Now, it is with disgust and dismay that I watch here in Britain as former foreign secretary Jack Straw describes the Muslim nikab -- a face veil that reveals only the eyes -- as an unwelcome barrier to integration, with Prime Minister Tony Blair, writer Salman Rushdie and even Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi leaping to his defense.
Having been on both sides of the veil, I can tell you that most Western male politicians and journalists who lament the oppression of women in the Islamic world have no idea what they are talking about. They go on about veils, child brides, female circumcision, honor killings and forced marriages, and they wrongly blame Islam for all this -- their arrogance surpassed only by their ignorance.
These cultural issues and customs have nothing to do with Islam. A careful reading of the Koran shows that just about everything that Western feminists fought for in the 1970s was available to Muslim women 1,400 years ago. Women in Islam are considered equal to men in spirituality, education and worth, and a woman's gift for childbirth and child-rearing is regarded as a positive attribute.
When Islam offers women so much, why are Western men so obsessed with Muslim women's attire? Even British government ministers Gordon Brown and John Reid have made disparaging remarks about the nikab -- and they hail from across the Scottish border, where men wear skirts.
When I converted to Islam and began wearing a headscarf, the repercussions were enormous. All I did was cover my head and hair -- but I instantly became a second-class citizen. I knew I'd hear from the odd Islamophobe, but I didn't expect so much open hostility from strangers. Cabs passed me by at night, their "for hire" lights glowing. One cabbie, after dropping off a white passenger right in front of me, glared at me when I rapped on his window, then drove off. Another said, "Don't leave a bomb in the back seat" and asked, "Where's bin Laden hiding?"
Yes, it is a religious obligation for Muslim women to dress modestly, but the majority of Muslim women I know like wearing the hijab, which leaves the face uncovered, though a few prefer the nikab. It is a personal statement: My dress tells you that I am a Muslim and that I expect to be treated respectfully, much as a Wall Street banker would say that a business suit defines him as an executive to be taken seriously. And, especially among converts to the faith like me, the attention of men who confront women with inappropriate, leering behavior is not tolerable.
I was a Western feminist for many years, but I've discovered that Muslim feminists are more radical than their secular counterparts. We hate those ghastly beauty pageants, and tried to stop laughing in 2003 when judges of the Miss Earth competition hailed the emergence of a bikini-clad Miss Afghanistan, Vida Samadzai, as a giant leap for women's liberation. They even gave Samadzai a special award for "representing the victory of women's rights."
Some young Muslim feminists consider the hijab and the nikab political symbols, too, a way of rejecting Western excesses such as binge drinking, casual sex and drug use. What is more liberating: being judged on the length of your skirt and the size of your surgically enhanced breasts, or being judged on your character and intelligence? In Islam, superiority is achieved through piety -- not beauty, wealth, power, position or sex.
I didn't know whether to scream or laugh when Italy's Prodi joined the debate last week by declaring that it is "common sense" not to wear the nikab because it makes social relations "more difficult." Nonsense. If this is the case, then why are cellphones, landlines, e-mail, text messaging and fax machines in daily use? And no one switches off the radio because they can't see the presenter's face.
Under Islam, I am respected. It tells me that I have a right to an education and that it is my duty to seek out knowledge, regardless of whether I am single or married. Nowhere in the framework of Islam are we told that women must wash, clean or cook for men. As for how Muslim men are allowed to beat their wives -- it's simply not true. Critics of Islam will quote random Koranic verses or hadith, but usually out of context. If a man does raise a finger against his wife, he is not allowed to leave a mark on her body, which is the Koran's way of saying, "Don't beat your wife, stupid."
It is not just Muslim men who must reevaluate the place and treatment of women. According to a recent National Domestic Violence Hotline survey, 4 million American women experience a serious assault by a partner during an average 12-month period. More than three women are killed by their husbands and boyfriends every day -- that is nearly 5,500 since 9/11.
Violent men don't come from any particular religious or cultural category; one in three women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused in her lifetime, according to the hotline survey. This is a global problem that transcends religion, wealth, class, race and culture.
But it is also true that in the West, men still believe that they are superior to women, despite protests to the contrary. They still receive better pay for equal work -- whether in the mailroom or the boardroom -- and women are still treated as sexualized commodities whose power and influence flow directly from their appearance.
And for those who are still trying to claim that Islam oppresses women, recall this 1992 statement from the Rev. Pat Robertson, offering his views on empowered women: Feminism is a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
Now you tell me who is civilized and who is not.

Yvonne Ridley is political editor of Islam Channel TV in London and coauthor
of "In the Hands of the Taliban: Her Extraordinary Story" (Robson Books).

Source: Washington Post.com

I'm still keeping my mouth SHUT

Still keeping my mouth shut...

This is something everyone must read..
Though most of you already read itinDrima the sudanese thinker blog.

Will someone explain to me just how and when and WHY is all this happening??

How can such a thing happen in.... well ok.. am goin there.. I'm gona stop here..

My mouth is SHUT!!!!

Sorry for trying to express my mind.. I forgot I'm not allowed to.. So sorry!!!

Blind my eyes.. Close my ears. now SHUT my mouth! or keyboard!

In my post bellow, you shall find no real names, or people identified.. no links or mentioning of sources.. By reading it you will realise why!

A friend of mine, who is another blogger too, lets call him/her "F", was asking for my opinion on somthing.. F wrote an article he/she wanted to post in thier blog, but wanted to check if it is alright..

The article was SOCIAL, F was concerned that certain people might find the article really IMPRESSIVE and would like to contact him/her to have a small chat about the article.. Maybe take F on a short trip somewhere.. or maybe prepare a welcoming parade upon her/his arrival back to home country.

F didnt want those certain people to go through all that trouble, for just a simple article..

I told F that I will talk with some close people of mine and see how GLAD those people will be by the article..

I discussed the matter with a very close person to me "M", for I know that M has very good contacts and knows almost EVERONE everywhere..

M advised me that such article should not be published not even on blogs.. M assured me that those loving and caring people WILL read the articles and can easily get in touch with the writer.. Then they would defintly either pay them a short warm friendly visit or just watch over them and their actions with their caring and Loving eyes.

M informed me that though these people are very powerful, but they are harmless.. they Love everyone who's loving the country..

M also advised me not to post anything that might be of intrest to them, she said I cannot handle welcoming these people in my humble house.. she also said that if they just decide to care for me and watch over me, they will make things TOO easy for me in life..You dont want that? right?

This discussion with M made me feel so glad, happy and filled with joy.. My heart is overwhelmed with hope.. I'm so proud to belong to my beautiful, warm, loving caring, country of mine.

I'm so proud of all those with powers who are using it in the perfect way to improve health and education in my country..

I'm so pleased with people in all SOCIAL CLUBS who are caring for the well being of the people.

and seriously, now tell me,, can anyone in any other place, write what I just wrote so freely and be comfortable that no harm would happen!
I'm so lucky and blessed!!

May god bless my beloved SUDAN and all the people upstairs..



Pop Quiz:-

Q1. Name ONE country that is truley DIMOCRATIC?

Q2. Define the term.. Freedom of speech!



P.S:

I'm thinking of finding the storybook "The animal farm" and reading it once again, I think my blog from now on will be about ANIMALS..

What's going on?!

So, now just like Journalists, Bloggers are being watched and threatened! wow!! Freedom of speech they say! I dnt think so.. Privacy! doesnt exist anymore!!
Karen.Mccullagh, from University of Manchester is doing a research on Bloggers privacy expectations.. you can help by taking this survery from here
Blogging Survey

Going through a forum and look what I find:

"An Iranian-American UCLA student was shot by UCLA'S UCPD November 14th 2006, because he did not have his Student ID. He was shot 5 times with a taser gun. Police threatened to shoot students who got too close. The Student yelled out that he had a medical condition, but the cops kept shooting. Don't let the UCPD get away with this!

Student's captured video of the event

Please Sign The Petition

Thanks to Soulful_wala from shamarat.net forthis post!

So, now these people just cant get over it.. cant they!! they are so PARANOID of all muslims ever since the 11/9..
I know it was a horrible thing.. but C'mon!! this doesnt give them the right to treat all muslims as suspects and terrorists!!

And what is it with the Sudan accepting, then not accepting,, then considering the UN Forces in Darfur.. I mean in 2 days.. there was all kind of news.. yes.. no.. yes.. no..
C'mon make up your mind!! is it YES or is it NO??
will the UN troops join the AU in Darfur or NOT?!

I dont like this much talk bout a subject without a useful conclusion!
Hmm, maybe they just want us to belive they are doing something.. while they're just wasting our time!!!
Wanna get more confused like I am.. you can read morehere.. just choose the headline you prefer!!

Same goes to the story of 6 Policemen killed during clash with SPLA, there are 2 similar but different details stories.. hereand here..and yes I do not mean the 5 being 6,, the 5th was injured then passed away, I realise that! I mean the happenings of the clash it self! anyway, do u think I'm Just being dellusional?!

Anyway, must say thanks to DrimaandBlackKush for bringing up the topics of Sudan on their blogs, otherwise I'd still be clueless.. i mean more than I already am!

Regretful Heart"The story of me & my Father" Part 2

A few days later, when I got home, My dad wasnt in this room, and the house seemed rather empty. I asked my youngest brother and he answered that they took my father to the hospital.

So worried I waited anxiously for my mom to come back, I asked her and she said its only to make sure he getting better not worse.

The next day, my 2 uncles and aunt came to khartoum from their town "Abu Hamad" in the northern state. Things didnt get better upon thier arrival, but even worse.. The would discuss issues with my mum like, the HOUSE.. I was shocked by their guts, their nerves, my dad isnt DEAD yet and here they are discussing their share of the house and everything else..

For 5 days my dad was lying in the hospital, with my sister and brother taking turns on speing the night with him.. All those 5 days I never stepped foot to that hospital.. all i did was just ask on how he's doing.. Yes.. I ddnt go to see my OWN father who was lying in the hospital.. I was still in denail.. couldnt belive what was going on around me..

At home, things between my mum and my uncles were getting worse..

After 5 days in the hospital, My dad was back home.. still in pain and still unable to move.. The doctors in the hospital said that there is nothing wrong with him.. and physically he should be alright.. No one really knew wat was the problem.

His coming back home, made me belive even more that he will be alright, and things will get better. Our family doctor used to come by every night to check on him, a close family friend who works in the clinic nearby our house, used to check on him too and give him his needles and medication..

But it was obvious, to anyone who looks into his face, he was suffering.. and he was going through alot of pain.. I saw the look in his face when he was back from the hospital.. it seeed like he didnt even recognize me.. he couldnt speak or even move his hands by him self.. It was only that once that i went into his room.. And I never did that again..

My mum would feed him everyday, My aunt was staying by his side night and day, she even used to sleep beside him at night.. everynight she wuld laydown next to him.. My aunt was the one next to him, the moment God choose to take the life of my father... Yes she was with him,, she was the one who started crying and moaning and woke everyone else in the house.. Even that moment I wasnt there..

Sleeping in my room upstairs, as far as possible from everyone else in the house and everything.. It was 5 am when my sister came to wake me up.. still not understanding what's going on.. I was confused to see her dressed in "Altob" and crying.. hardly i tried to focus on what she was saying, then i finally got it.. "Your father is dead.. your father is dead"

The next hour, i was literally out of my mind.. nothing made anysense to me.. I ran downstairs to my father room.. then just stood frozen by the door, looking at my aunt crying and moaning.. My father in his bed covered from head to toe.. I couldn't belive it "this is nothappening.. this is not happening" I ran back to my room crying and screaming.. talkiing to my self.. and screaming.. My aunt "from my mother's side, who was the closest tome in the family" came up to mem got closer wanting to hold me and hug me.. Instead I yelled at her, screamed "My father is not dead.. My father is not dead.. get away from me" My other aunt and more relatives came up to me in my room.. and i was still screaming at them all " GET away from me"..

I was left alone in my room for another 30 minutes.. My sis quitely asked my to get dressed cuz people are gonne be coming.. after a while, I started to realise and understand.. "My father is gone.. People downstairs are waiting for me" I got dressed, still in tears.. couldnt stop them though i tried so hard.. My sister came to me, and suggested I would took a look at my father, she said it would make mefeel better.. I ddnt uderstand how would looking at my father who was gone dead make me feel better.. Anyway, i went back to his room with her.. the room was empty.. she moved away the cover from his face.. I looked at him.. A moment I will never forget forthe rest of my life.. The look in his face i will always remember..
He was smiling.. He looked so comfortable.. so restful.. peacefull. even.. Happy.. yes he looked happy..
I realised then, that my father is doing much better now.. he's in a better place.. My father was a good man and am sure the angels and the holy Quran were keeping him company.. I kissed him in his forehead and hugged him.. I whispered in his ears "I promise I will take care of them" I made that promise to him, which I started right after that moment.. I whiped away all my tears, I knew my family needs me to be strong.. My mother needs me.. My mother.. that thought made me look for her.. she was laying in the bed in the living room, crying and calling for ME.. yes.. ME..
I went to her and hugged her... "I'm here mom.. I'm here".. it seemed like for 10 minutes she didnt see me, she was still calling for me.. I held her hand and just sat there beside here..

People were coming in and out.. the house started to get crowded.. My aunts came and sat with my mum.. I left the room, got the holy Quran and went back to my fathers room, and started reading the verses of "Yaseen"..

30 minutes later, Men came into the room, my uncles and some close friends of my father..it was time to wash him up.. I left the room and went back to my mom..

Women were here.. Holding me and crying over me.. I swore I wont shed a tear for them.. I knew this crying and moaing is hurting my father.. whenever a woman held me and started moaning so loud and crying.. I would just say "Alhamdulilah" Honestly it looked like i was the one who's comforting them.. not the vice versa..
Sudanese traditions.. women must yell, scream. moan so loud.. which is no right.. religously in correct!! I hated that.. cuz most of these women didnt even care that much for my father.. They would see I was fine and alright, still they would cry over my shoulders as if they were trying so hard to make me cry! But I wouldnt.. I would just say "alhamdulilah" trying to make them understand that what they are doing is wrong.. and that I will not cry..

Then it was time.. Men took my father to the graveyard to burry him.. his room was left empty.. I went in there, closed the door behind me.. and started crying again.. all alone.. feeling so lonely.. without my father..
The one person who always understood me well, the one persong who was always there by my side.. The one person who took care of me at my time of need.. Everytime i was sick or ill. he would stay up all night by my side.. getting me water, getting me fresh drinks,, even feeding me when I couldnt eat by my self..He was ALWAYS there for me..
But i wasnt there for him when he needed me..
I let him down..
I didnt show him how much I loved him..
I never got the chance to show him my appreciation for everything he has done for me..
Where I am now.. and who I am.. is becuase of him..
Now its too late for anything..

Just hope he knows.. how much I love him.. and how much I really miss him..

Womens Virginty & Purity

I know I was supposed to continue with part 2 of "The story of me & My father" but I got cought up reading many other blogs i ddnt get the chance to write my story..

This blog of an Egyptian sister has a very intresting topic.. I really suggest you all take the time to read it.. and comment!

Its an issue not only in Egypt but all arab countries..

Rejecting my Virginty by Isis

A Regretful Heart "The Story of Me & My Father" Part 1

Some lessons in life are learnt the hard way.. some can be just learnt from other peoples experiences...

Here I will tell you my story, which tought me various lessons,, but the hard way.. I'll post it for you, so you can read it and learn without having to go through what I been and still do...

The heartache.. The regret, for not letting someone you care bout know how you feel and suddenly. its just a little too late..

We always take some people presence for granted, forgetting that death knows no difference between young or old, man or woman, father or son.. Death knocks no door.. gives no signs.. its just suddenly there..

My story, might be a little long.. and briefing it might make it loose the whole purpose of it.. so I'll just write it on parts.. starting from tonight.. I'll write as much as I can every night enshala.

Some parts of this story I have never told before to anyone, not even my closest friends or family, but since my purpose here is offering some good lessons to my blog readers I'll give you all the facts with complete honesty no matter how shameful or embarrasing it might be..

I dnt know where it all exactly started, probably when we came back to Sudan from UAE in July 2001.. Everything in this life leads to another.. think bout where you are now, and what happened before, what is now is becuase of what was..

I wont go that far with my story anyway, not to bore you, which I guess I already have with this LONG intro..sorry!

It was my final days in college in March 2005.. working on my graduation project.. Just like many houses and many families, we had our share of problems.. I started hating the fact that I get home to see my father, mother and brother argueing over different subjects.. I found my self slowly drowning into a phase of denial... I'd finish with Uni, then visit any freinds or just hang around with them, do anything so as not to come back home early.. I'd get home by 8 pm eat my dinner lock my self in my room then go to sleep. next morning leave as early as possible..
I was simply running away from all the problems, I even started smoking at that time of my life.. yes.. I SMOKED.. No.1 shocking fact bout me.. I used to sit up in the roof.. thinking.. worrying.. smoking. even crying sometimes..

One day, I got home and found some blood traces infron of the door step, i got so worried enetered in a rush and asked what happened.. My youngest brother told me that my father fell of the door step and hit his head.. but he's fine now..
Worried and so concerned I rushed into my fathers room, he was sitting in his usual chair, holding the holy quran readin.. like nothing has happened.. I asked how he's feeling now and kissed him on his forhead.. talked with him for a while laughed and then i was back to my room..

It was then that his health started really getting worse.. The days that followed he couldnt walk around with out his stick.. I always comforted my self saying.. its alright.. its only his foot.. he'll get better..

April 2005.. I graduated and started working as a trainee in a well known Engineering company.. and I was still living my denial phase.. getting home late at 8, sittin in the roof doing my thing..

The only time through all the day I would see my father was when I get home at 7 or 8, I'd go to his room, say hi.. talk for a little while.. I knew he didnt like the way I always come back so late.. but he was tired of asking me where I been,, its always the same answer "Was with some friends" He just smiles back at me and says : "Hamdulilah ala alsalama"..

By May 2006, I had started working as an Office Manager in another company.. I still havent told my father yet.. I was waiting for the right time to do so..

His health was getting slowly worse.. suddenly, he couldnt even move his feet any more.. My brother would help him getting up and so...

At that time,, I couldnt just handle that fact.. My father.. the man of the house.. my whole world.. my role model.. is falling apart.. I was falling apart..

Day by day even the words were hardly getting out of his mouth.. He had the doctor coming over and checking up on him.. but.. Nothing.. no one knew what wat wrong..

Even at that time, I ddnt change the way I acted.. It even got worse for me.. I'd try harder to come back home even later than usual.. I'd come into the house force my self into my father's room, find my mum feeding him some youghurt.. at that time, his health was getting worse he couldnt even eat anything else than youghurt and drinks..

Sometimes I'd try to feed him my self, talk to him try to make him feel better.. but I couldnt stand staying with him for more than 10 mnts.. then I'd run into my room lock my self.. and just cry.. I cried cuz I felt weak and selfish.. A Part of me knew that my father needs me,, but I couldnt.. I was too weak.. I was selfish.. I seriously couldnt see him that way! it was so hard on me..

One day on my way back home, i passed by those sellers in Jumhooriya street.. there was some guy selling wooden sticks I thought to my self, how I always wanted to buy my father something from my first salary! I decided I'd come back and buy him one as soon as he's back on his feet again!

I so belived that he WILL get better.. and I was so wrong!

To be continued tomorrow enshala!!!

Tears Underpressure

Early childhood memory:

I was 4 or 5 probably.. In my KG2 class in Alnajah Private school, Abu Dhabi..

There was this paper we had to do.. it was like a test or something.. we had to match the feet of the animals with their faces...

I had 2 I couldnt solve.. everyone else in the class were done and getting stars and all.. and I was sitting there unable to solve it..

I simply broke into tears and started crying so hard.. cuz I culdnt solve it.. They had to call my mother for me ( who was a teacher in the same school)..

I still remember this incident, and sometimes I feel so silly.. other times.. I feel that I still have that little confused child inside of me..

Today, was a stressing day for me at work.. My program Manager, gave me a task I found so hard and difficult..
It was the first time for me to do such a task..

He gave me a 47 pages document.. a guide, manual or something.. Bout a new Mobile platform system or somethin like that.. Yeah I read it and worked on it today, But I honestly dont know what the hell it was talking bout.

I was supposed to brief that 47 pages into the MAIN points with short description of each.

The first issue, was.. I know nothing about telecommunications.. It's a bit far from my field of study "Computer Science" and I was never a fan of physics either..
The second was, how could I know what info exactly is what is important.. I mean since I dnt know much bout this.. every little detail is important.

After starting working on it for a while, my manager came over to check on me.. and he DIDNT LIKE IT AT ALL... he was like, he wants less and more.. yes less words.. and more descreption..
I tried again.. and it seemed like time was flying so fast and am not doing anything. it was 4 pm. I didnt have my lunch yet.. and I still got so much to do.. I felt helpless..It was like.. I couldnt do anything..
I felt useless..
I was underpressure.. I knew.. that this wasnt as he said.. becuz he doesnt have time to read it.. No that wasnt the real reason, he was either testing my skills. or training me on this breifing issue.. Or maybe just wanted me to learn more bout the company's work.. In all cases... I was failing that test..

Again, it was that weakness inside of me taking control.. Lost my faith in my skills and my self confidence.. and feeling Lonely.. I dunno why that Loneliness feeling gets to me whenever am in a dilemma..

I really felt like crying.. I knew it wont solve anything.. but knowing that there was a problem, issue, dilemma or situation I just couldnt solve or make it through.. I just get that urge to cry!

Weak of me? Maybe.. But at least I never show this weakness.. I'm a good actress in any kind of situation.. acting strong and in control is what I do best.. even if i was crying deep inside.

Happened alot.. The stress.. the pressure.. the feeling of weakness, feeling that I'm useless.. Loosing my self confidence.. Specially in work.. all drives me to hidden tears..

Eventually I was done by 5.. I gave him the brief which was in 2 papers.. I could see from his face he didnt like it still.. but I was feeling good about my self.. It was my first and am not supposed to make it perfect since the first time..

Right?

My Career Journey!

It was freezing cold this morning, I could hardly get my self out of bed and away from my warm blanket.. it was already 7:05 am ..I knew I was going to be late that day.. but that didnt stop me from doing my usual -getting- ready- rituals which is "taking all the time in the world wearing make up, fixing my hair and yes trying the scarf in different way till i make up my mind on which way looks best!".
After standing for more than 10 minutes waiting for any kind of public transport( Bus, Van, mini van) a small Toyota ha ice van came, a close family friend more like a relative was sitting in the front seat, he asked me to ride beside him.. ( I hate running into people I know in public transport) its that, I'll pay for you, no I'll pay,, "La wallahi" "3alai biltalag" I hate that. What I usually do is if they wanna pay,, I let them pay... I dnt wanna go through a fuss and lotsa nagging over nothing..
9:15 I reached my office.. today is a different day.. Both Program Manager and Project Manager are interviewing some candidates for available engineering posts. It was kind of fun organizing all of this.. starting from writing the ad, preparing a special email address, receiving and reading all those emails, and CVs.. I received what's more than 200 emails in just 2 weeks.. I had to choose only some of them to give to my manager.. He doesn't have the time to go through all of them..
What I did is choose the ones with a good CV in terms of the layout, and proper english. [ Advise, ALWAYS make sure ur CV looks more than JUST good]
The number of Cvs was reduced to 90.. yes only 90 Cvs made it out of the 200!! and of those 90 my Manager choose only 17!!!! Then it was the phone calls.. calling 17 persons to inform them that they have been chosen for a first interview.. After the phone calls, I sent them all emails.. to confirm the date, time and place of the interview.

And today is the day.. They started arriving at 9:45, when one of the- I can say - best candidates arrived.. I actually asked him to arrive earlier so he can be first to enter the interview.. I really think he has a great shot at getting this post. one by one they started arriving, me guiding them to the room where they should wait for their turn, then to my Manager's office for the interview..

Its 10:30 am now.. and only 4 has arrived.. 2 are still expected by 11.. and 6 more after 2 pm. I really know and understand how they must be feeling, worried, stressed, tensed, anxious.. a little afraid too maybe.. But its those who are confident of their qualifications and skills who worry less and those who have nothing to loose..

Finding a job that fits your qualifications and experience is getting hard in Sudan, finding a job with a good salary that would cover your expenses is even HARDER.. Specially for those fresh graduates, with no experience to add in their CVs.
I always tell my friends who are looking for jobs to settle with anything if they cannot find a job that fits their qualification.. yes ANYTHING.. and ANYWHERE.. what matters that you are doing something with your time.. something that you can add to your CV, also you are meeting new people, who will see your skills and maybe, someone out there can help you find a better job..

My first experience in working was - Believe it or not- a NET CAFE.. yes.. it didnt pay me much, and I never mentioned it in my CV, cuz I only worked there for 2 weeks.. but it was helpful for me in just one thing.. realising that WORK is hard and tough and needs patience.
Right after my final exams and my presenting my graduation project, a friend of mine called me and said that her company is looking for another secretary and she thinks I would fit well in that position.( one of my many dream jobs as a kid was a secretary, lol, in addition to the air hostess, teacher, and - believe it or not - house MAID!!!!) LOOL
So it was my first real official interview, prepared my papers which were at that time, my CV and a document from Uni proving that I have passed my final year exams. On the way to the company I was praying, and reading Quran.. the closest verses to my heart "Yaseen".. After waiting for a while I met the managing director, his questions were simple.. he asked me bout my computer skills and bout my english language, he held a short conversation in English to test my english. 10 mnts later he asked for another guy to test my computer skills, typing and excel using his computer. few minutes and I was requested to start from tomorrow as a trainee..
I worked with them for only a month then they ended my training period ( not that I wasn't good enough but the managers had serious PROBLEMS.LOL)
I stayed home for only a week, and again the same Friend who got me that previous job, told me bout some one who is managing his own company and needs a secretary.. all he requires is good english and computer skills.
It was 13th May 2005.. I met the Manager who seemed like a really good gentleman. He simply asked me if my english is good, and my computer skills.. then he asked me to start tomorrow.. He said that I will be tested for 2 weeks before I'm officially hired. It was oke for me, I KNEW he would hire me before those 2 weeks, and that is exactly what happened..
1 week later he informs me that I'm hired for the position of "Office Manager" and for a VERY good salary.. It seemed like this job was a gift from god.. I was so lucky.. I knew not many people get the chances I get.. I know I deserve it.. but wouldnt have got anything without the blessings of god and the prayers of my father.
1 month later, I was convinced that truly, God has a plan for us.. I knew that getting this job at this time, with such a good salary ( which was raised at that time) was a blessing from God..
My fathers death was sudden, a complete shock.. I thanked god night and day after that for the job i have.. for it wouldve been much harder for the whole family without it..
I realised this wasnt for me,, but it was for my mother, sister and brother.. Thinking of this make me realise how merciful, kind and loving God is.. and how his plans are always the best for us.

During my work with that company, I ddnt stop searching for better opportunities and chances, I sent my CV once to the South African Embassy, they called me back for the interview but I couldnt make it,, and I got totally busy that day I ddnt get the chance to call them and ask for another chance.

After working for a whole year with that company, where I gained more experience in almost every business department, Sales, Marketing, preferment, PR, and HR as well. Not only that but since the company was working in the pharmaceutical field, I learned a bit bout that too! I found 2 ads in the news paper, one was the British Council, looking for a program assistant.. the 2nd was a multi national company in need of a project assistant.. I sent my CV to both. and was called for an interview in both.

The first was in the multinational company, which turned out to be a well known telecommunication company. I was interviewed by the project manager at that time who was french, a really nice and funny guy.. He was mostly impressed by my self confidence, which i got from my believing in my skills and experience.. ( in addition to the many offers I been getting from my Own manager friends!). He said he will call me back the day after tomorrow.

The next day was the interview at the British council, It was 4 tests actually.. an English written test, Arabic written test, Computer test and English oral test..
I think I did really well in all of them, except for the Arabic test! I was never good in Arabic writing :s
The day after next the French guy from the Telecom Company, called, and informed me that I have been accepted for that position..
I swear the minute he told me their offer I was jumping all over the house. when I hang up I felt like screaming.. (good thing the house was empty) I was thrilled.. more than Just happy.. i prayed thanking god for this..

It was pretty difficult for me to inform my manager that I'm leaving, it was difficult for him as well, but he knew it was what is best for me and he cannot compete with their offer.

May 2006 was when I started my work with this Telecom company.. as a project assistant at first but then title changed to Program Assistant. And here I am now, still with them.. Suffering with the 9 - 6 working hours and the stress of organizing the engineers travels, work and finance, and the difficulty of switching from speaking Sudanese one minute, Egyptian the next and English after that!

Look how time flies.. its 3 pm and I haven't had my lunch yet! I really should go and eat something.. (since its my Breakfast x Lunch) lol

This Job is really affecting my health!!

Changes

so, I've changed the Template of my blog.. well what can I say? I got bored of that all pinkish one.. plus sweet sista hipster said it looks all gurly.. Kinda offended me.. hehe..

But be expecting a change in the whole layout, looks, colors of my blog everynow and then.. I'm a big fan of changes!

hmm If anyone here knows how I can change the colors of this.. its a bit too dark for me!
Help is needed! :D

Living the MATRIX

Going through other sudanese blogs, most of which you can find their links on the side.. I found them really intresting.. It made me so proud of my brothers and sisters living in and out of Sudan caring and loving their country so much.. posting articles and views on political, social, and Intellectual matters..

on the other hand, any one who enters my blog will see there's nothin about all of that fuss.. a simple too personal blog.. I already cleared it up in the discreption of my blog.. But I think I need to do some explaining on why I'm not writing on any of this topics..

Explaining to you? no.. but to my self..

I really need to understand when and at which point did I stop caring for the world around me?

What happened that got me so selfish and self centred? am I selfish and Self Centered?

Is it becuase I got so overwhelmed in my own problems?

Is it becuase like 80% of the Sudanese people living in Sudan.. I am bothered by my own living, my own survival?

Or is it becuase our government and our media is not making it easier for us to know the facts the truth and have our personal opinion about it?

Or is it becuase I have finally came to the conclusion that no matter what I think or do, it will not change the reality around us?

The Darfur issue.. I live in Sudan,, I'm closest to the crime scene than many others,, still they know more about it than I do..

The truth.. Its a long hard journey to seek the truth regarding, darfur, Sudan, mideast crisis, Iran, South Korea, Iraq, and many other critical issues..

It seems to me, that at a point of my life.. I was offered to pick either the red pill or blue pill.. as in "The Matrix" (not sure bout the colors though) and I choose to live the matrix than to fight!

My choice was not out of fear or carelessness.. But it was becuase I knew I do not belong to my self any more.. At a point of my life.. where my whole world changed.. I now Belong to my mother, my sister and brother..

My grandmother, and my little cousin..

I carry their responisbilities, their worries.. to me.. what matters most now, is to help them make it through this life..

Its hard,, and its tough! Living here in Sudan.. and the gorverment is not making it any easier..

I have enough sadness in my eyes seeing what people around me in khartoum go through..

Everything is just getting harder and harder, day by day..

Prices are getting higher.. even WATER for God's sake! we have the river nile, and still we have high electricity fees and Water is on a PREPAID system now! Isnt that just hillarious?!

Yes, my brothers and sisters in Darfur are suffering, and they need help.. But how can i help them If I need help my self! How can I help them when my own flesh and blood needs me..

I will continue to live this rediculous matrix, till I have no worries and concerns on my family.. Till I belong to my self once again! Only then will i rise.. only then will i seek.. only then will I speak and act..

Meanwhile.. Its only matters of Khartoum and the people in khartoum is what I can discuss and relate to..

Confessions

These words were written by me on June 2006...

Is it what we feel about them? Or what they make us feel about our selves?
Is it how happy we are when they’re around? Or how sad we are when they’re not there?
Is it how much we care about them? Or how much we care about ourselves for them?
Is it when we try so hard to look good for them? Or when we know we could be at our worst conditions when we meet them?
Is it when we enjoy listening to them? Or when we cant stop talking when with them?
Is it when we are jealous of their friends? Or when we are jealous of they’re own family?
Is it the sparkle you see in their eyes? Or is it the warmth you feel when you touch their hands?

What is Love?
Can we ever define it by words? Or by actions?
Is there an unconditional Love? Does it really exist?

You neva know what you had till its gone..

Just when I finally started to realize, how much you truly mean to me.. it was already too late..

I always took you for granted, always believed that you will always be there for me.. Always thought that I’ll be your number one no matter what..

Hurt

I was never a big fan of Christina Aguilera..though one must admit she do have a unique and powerful voice which can rarely be found!!

one of her songs from her latest album, really cought my attention.. it's called hurt.. from her latest album : Back to basics.

http://www.billboard.com/bbcom/discography/index.jsp?pid=325726&aid=786641


I loved the music, and the words.. Below is Hurt lyrics and also a you tube video of Christina Aguilera's performance of the song Hurt in the MTV Video Music Awards.

Hurt - Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, oohI would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broken inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbyeWhen it comes to this, oooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking backOhh
I'm sorry for blaming youFor everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more dayI would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been awayOoh, it's dangerous
It's so out of lineTo try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

You Tube Fever

Someday last week, a friend sent me a link to a video in Youtube.. it was a video for the sudanese singer "hamada bit".. lets not get into that now...
almohim, enno itslike suddenly, everyone has somethin to show or share on Youtube.. everybody is watching youtube videos.. its a youtube fever spreading everywhere..
and I'm infected..
For a whole day yesterday, i was doing nothing but watching you tube videos.. i was going through Sudanese Music Videos..

http://youtube.com/results?search_type=related&search_query=Sudan%20Sudanese%20Music

this is the link to the search results.. you might find something intresting there..
I found many great stuff.. but choose this one to share with you..
Nada algal3a.. "Alsamha om waldy"
Great lyrics.. and Nada is pretty her self too ..

Golden Experience!

If I told u people,, that just yesterday was the first time EVER for me to go and buy golden Jewelry all by my self. would you belive that?!!!!

YES.. I NEVER went to jewelery stores before.. I'd Just watch the windows. and point this looks good, this looks fine.. but never got IN and Bought smthin..

It was always my mum'z job.. she'd go by her self come back home, and show me wat she got for me.. and puts it back into her closet! I never really got da point of that! How is it mine if its still in her closet! :s
The Truth is, I was never a fan of Gold anyway! Silver was my thing.. and even that I'd let my sister buy them for me,, she was the expert!

Anyway, yesterday was my first time ever inside a jewelery store with the intension of actually BUYING something.. and I was ALL ALONE through that horrifying experience..

see, I had this certain amount of money! and so I had to choose somethin within my available budget! excpet that ony I dnt have a clue bout this stuff prices.. I stuck with the small pendents.. after asking him to wieght an dprice a couple for me ( I felt the guy was bout to throw me out) lol I choose a beautiful one with the words :" ma sha2allah".. in a shape of a heart! Lovely..
Now it was time to choose the necklace itself.. Silly of me, i thought its gonna be like 50 thousand pounds bilkateer.. LOL and daaymn was I wrong bout that! he got me this BEAUTIFUL silky like pure gold necklace which looked jst breathetakin.. and after weighing it with the pendant.. the price was TRIPLLED!!!!!!!!!! am like SAy wat?!!!!
LOOOOL..
- " Listen, see honestly, am not good at purchasing gold and stuff, and to be more honest, right now am not carrying that amount.. so why dnt u give me somthing.. more SIMPLE" thats wat i told the guy.. though the word CHEAPER is wat i meant actually..lool..

after a couple of more suggestions and high prices.. we ended up with the perfect necklace with a good price..

Now, I'm in love with this necklace.. am wearing it now.. and I'll always wear it.. Its special for two reasons..
1. My first experience in purchasing Golden jewelery! LOL --> e7sas enni bigeet zayal Banat! LOL
2. Its a Gift.. yes a gift.. I went and choose it for my self.. I was alone.. yes.. but it is a gift! from some one very special to me.. a very close friend.. this necklace will always remind me of wat we have.. :D

This is My thank you to this friend.. not only for the beautiful birthday gift which was 2 months late :P, but for being a great friend!

What if?!

• What if we had the power to make the ones we love love us back?

I guess it wnt have the same taste!!

• What if we can control our feelings and decide who we fall in love with?

We might loose the chance of finding TRUE love and our significant other who was made for us..

• What if there was no problems, no worries, no sorrows in life and everything was so easy to get?

Life will defintly loose its meaning.

• What if we had the power to turn back time and change the mistakes in our life?

There will be no problems, therefore life looses its meaning.

• What if there was a standard significant sign that shows you're in love with someone?

That will be pretty embarrasing wont it??

• What if our hearts were only made to love ONCE and only one time?

99% of the people around the world will end up in a [no love] marriage.


Questions in every girls head:

What if he feels the same way as I feel? What if he is the ONE for me? What if we are both perfect for each other? WHat if we loose each other not knowin what the other felt and how much love we had in our hearts for one another? What if he dies tomorrow and I end up wondering if he ever felt the same way? What if I died tomorrow and he drowns in the sorrow of not havin the chance of expressing his feelings for me and not knowing what I felt for him?

And the other point of view - a step back:

Then again, What if I'm just just imagining stuff and he only considers me a good friend? what if he is NOT the one for me and some one else is waiting for me out there? What if I end up alone?!

Love... always Confusing! Puzzeling.. mysterious.. and dats da beauty of it!

How I Want to Die

Its really a long story how I got to know bout this blogger.com.. It was from an msn group "Sudanese chilling spot", where i got a link to "shamarat.net forum" where i read a couple of posts of really AMAZING sister, and got the link to her blogspot..
I really LOVED her blog i even added it to the outside links.. One of my favourite posts in her blog is this Prayer.. Hope it gets to your hearts like it got deep into mine..

Thank you sista for allowing me to post it in my blog.

How I want to Die

Dear All,
It is the norm for each and everyone of us to have our own dreams of how we want our futures to be like(our dream house,our careers,Mr/Mrs Right....etc) .However,there are some crucial aspects/facets that are sometimes overlooked and not included in our planning list.Please feel me on this one and may Allah inspire and bless us all.
Allahuma,Can I ask you for a favour?
Could you please take my soul on a Monday because that was the day the prophet(pbuh) passed away?Could you please let it be a Monday in the month of Ramadan on laylat alqadr?
Could you please take me while i am praying Salaat Alishaaa on that day?
Could you please take me during sujjud in the last rakaa and let my last words be:"Allahuma, i Love you;La illah ilaa ant wa ana Muhammadan rasoolk wa nabiuk"? Could you please let the Angel of Death greet me with light on his face and a welcoming smile?
Could you please let my spirit leave my body with no pain?
Could you let Angel Gibreel be the first angel to meet me?
Can I please embrace him and let him engulf me with his wings?
Could you please surround me with the angels of mercy and let them rejoice my homecoming?
Could you please let them call me by my favourite name?
Can my kafn be made of silk and my smell of Musk?
Could you please be happy on that day because I will be finally returning to you?
Could you please let my home-grave be spacious and cool?
Could you please fill it with your divine light because I am frightened of the dark?
Could you please bless me with strength and confidence when I am interrogated by Munkar and Nukair and let my answers be correct?
Could you please bless me with the company of my good deeds,prayers and quran verses(esp Yaseen,Al rahman,Al Muumineen,Al qiyama and Al Insaan) beacause I am afraid of being alone ?
Could you please let me be min alarwah almutmaina and bless me with gifts from above while i am waiting for Judgement day to take place?
Could you please don't let those who love me fee aldunya to suffer or experience any kind of pain because of my death? Could you please let them be stronger and let them incessantly pray for me?
On Judgement day,
Could you please clothe me so I wouldn't be naked infront of everyone?
Could you please vanquish my thrist and hunger ?
Could you please shield me with the shadow of your throne aginst the sun's scorching heat?
Can I please be from ummat Mohammad and drink from Alkawthar? Could you please let the Prophet(PBUH) yishfah liya?
Could you please expunge any fear or anxiety that I would be experiencing?
When I am called to the stand, could you please be smiling and be proud of me?
Can you make all the human race envy me because I have been treated differently by you?
Can I please take my book with my right hand and when I open it,I see emptiness on the sayiaat page?
When I am asked to walk on the siraat, could you please let my speed be that of lightning?
Paradise?????
Allahuma,I do want to enter aljanna but I aspire for something greater......
Can I live by your throne just like the martyres?
Can I hug and kiss all the prophets and good people esp Mohammad rasuul allah,Omar bin Al Khatab,Yousef allihyi alsallam,Mousa allihiyi alsallam&Angel Gibreel?
When the time comes for us to see you,
Can I please please please be the first one standing in line?
Can I run to you and bow down to you ,kiss you and embrace you?
Can you show me all the secrets of the universe and all the unanswered questions about our former world?
Can I please meet my family and all my loved ones?
Allahuma,I do want a palace , jewels and everything in Al janna but what would make me happier is being beside you!!!!
I love you,Ya Haneen......
Please seize the opportunity now to sketch your own true future and may all your prayers be answered.
Posted by hipster at 3:04 AM

Da 1st PosT

Aay.. sO I got ma Own Blog finally!!!
Seems like everyone has a blog or space smwhere! and I was just stuck to my hi5 profile..
I guess this can be much better!! since am startin to get sick of all those friendship requests!! I hope this can be a lil bit more private than that HI5...

n'wayz, as an introduction for my Blog.. well you'll find nothin intrestin here! Jst Bunch of crap.. non sense and simply my thoughts! which again are insane!

datz it for nOw.. More will be here LAter on..