Emotions: Madness

Emotions

You bring out..
All the emotions in me..

Madness

mad·ly [ máddlee ]
adverb
Definition:intensely: with an extraordinary degree of intensity or devotionmadly in love.

You would think..
It's just a thing
People say..
"Madly in love with you"
But the way I feel
When I think of you..
Or when I'm around you..
Is the literal meaning of madness..
As you take my emotions
To extremes..
Extremes I never thought can be
Never imagined I would feel..

As your words can make my day..
Bring me joy..
Or fill me with pain.

When a simple look towards her..
A compliment word you say for her.
Gets all the jealousy I can feel
Rush and burn the flesh and bones..
Inside of me..

When a silly thing happens..
Suddenly turns into madness..
Madness driven by temper..
Rage and anger..
Tears easily flow..
Fears heavily show..

Extreme of sadness
Extreme of tenseness..
Extreme of madness
Its what I call..
Madly in Love with you..

Never Be the Same

Here's somethin I wrote a while ago..
Would love to read your comments and reaction to it..


Preface:
Non Muslim readers might need to know that in Islam pre-marital sex is considered a major sin, and also forbidden in the Arab Community in general, girls who are known to do it even if it was only once are socially outcasted.

Dedication:
To all my sisters who were foolishly mislead.. What has been done, cannot be undone.. But you can always believe in Allah the most merciful.. Truly repent and Allah will guide you back to the light.

1. A Lost Innocence

"Stop.. Please stop"
She kept repeating with a worn-out and drained voice that can barely be heard within weeping sounds…
She begged and she pleaded but no avail, he could not hear her any more, he was blinded from her pain, he was in another place living a fantasy, surrounded and overwhelmed with the pleasure and ecstasy he could no longer hear her screams.
The pain was killing her, only it wasn’t physical for she was numb and couldn’t feel any part of her body any more. But the pain within her soul was intolerable. Her heart was bleeding the shame of her body as her mind was mourning what was left of her sanity.
She opened her eyes to look at him, but could no longer see that sweet lover she used to know, this was someone else. Where has all the love gone? Why did the rainbows fade away? And why did the butterflies fly away? What happened to the magical fairytales of white unicorns and bewitching fairies? Dead, killed, murdered! That's where they are, and he was the killer. Stabbing her dreams. Taking away her life with every moan, with every scream..
The pleasure he was feeling was her pain, his ecstasy was her agony.
Tears were drowning her face as shame was drowning her body, not knowing what to think, feel, say or do.. She has lost control over her senses. Her body who surrendered and gave in easily to the temptation, her heart who walked foolishly towards what seemed as a dream but the mind knew it was a nightmare.. Where was her mind when all this happened? "Where was my mind?" she thought to her self.
She could still sense her body, not declining, not refusing, not rejecting the pleasure and "satisfaction" this moment presented to her in a gift box wrapped with thorns.
She could still hear her heart beat with love and emotions for him, although what he did and still doing to her, after all the pain he caused and shame he will cause to her foolish self, her heart was still beating with his name.
She can sense her mind speaking to her, yelling at her, screaming loudly trying to bring her back to senses before its too late.. But, then again.. It is already too late.. What really matters is gone, forever.
Who will listen to her?
Who will try to understand?
Who will understand and comfort her?
Who will stand by her?
Will he still be there tomorrow?
Even if he did, he can never bring back to her what she had lost.
Her virtuousness.. pureness.. innocence..
One thing she knew for sure..
Things will never be the same again..

2. Remorseful Tears

As he stepped into his shower that unforgettable night, he felt the heat in his eyes turning slowly into hot tears that united with every splash of water that fell down his body from his head to his toes, just like the disgrace that was wrapping his body after what he did to the queen of his heart.

He has not shed any tears since he was 11, and now at the age of 23 he was crying like a baby who has lost his mother, but only he, has lost the love of his life.

Thoughts of her and what he did to her were rushing through his mind, back and forth all through that night driving him insane.
He betrayed her trust.
He murdered her dreams.
He threw away her future.
How will she ever trust him again after what has done? How can she believe in him again?
“How could I do this to her? How could I hurt her so much?”

He was lost and confused. He knew she won’t trust him ever again, he can’t blame her, what he did is unforgivable.
He never felt such pain in his life. He never felt such shame. He still wanted her in his life, he still dreamt of her to be his wife.
But he did not have the strength or the courage to call her later that night.

He walked around the streets that held beautiful memories of them within every corner; every memory that used to make him smile was only making him cry that night.

It was at that bench under that big old tree, when he shared with her his dream, of their beautiful first night and how it would be. A night of Magical colors, enchanted music, a night from heaven, of everlasting pleasures, a night that will crown their 3 year old love story.

But that dream will no longer be a part of their reality. Their first night will never be the “First”.

Hush World..Introducing a Sudanese Talent

Noosa, my very good freind and best sister anyone can wish for, is a very AMAZING talented writter.. She writes the most touching, overwhelming, emotional poems.. I adore all of her poems and have them all saved in my PC and printed out in a file I keep in my closet..

Its the sorrow she describes so fluently, the pain that you can feel in your own heart while reading her poems, the life she brings to every single word written..

I've always encouraged her to start her own blog, but she always come up with the lamest excuses.. So, I asked her permission to post on of her poems here.. I wanted to introduce you all to this unbelivable young Sudanese Talent.. to this beautiful transparent innocent soul..

Instead of posting one of her bleeding with sorrows poems, I prefered to introduce her through one of her cheerful, colorfurl, vivid poems..

This is one of my favourites becuase it reminds me of "you know who ;)"

HUSH WORLD

By: Noosa

Thump, thump it went
One beat, waiting to be heard
Clueless to words like hope
One beat, that pulsates to emptiness
Oblivious to songs that birds sing
It sits in the dark
Waiting for another rhythm
Until by chance it perceived the sound
That it has been longing to hear –
Thump thump, thump thump

They start to dance to music only they can hear
Feeling their bodies skin to skin
They swing together in motion
Sweeping each other onto the doormat of Heaven
His spicy aroma satiates her lungs
And escorts her to places she daydreams of -
Ecstasy…where joy was discovered
Bliss…where delight was born
Paradise…where there is no exit door
Safe asylum…where the seeds of warmth are planted
His scent, she takes her time to savor
Like a box of chocolates that you wish never finishes
She breathes in
She quivers
She breathes in
She collapses
She breathes in
She smiles
She smiles because she’s captivated
She’s on a never ending binge

Hush world…
For their dancing creates air that is delivering his soft whispers to her
Hush world…
For she can hear his words that make her heart pound 50 times a second
Hush world…
For his words take her to the land of fairytales and enchantment

She sent back a unique butterfly with the wind
Beautiful, symmetrical, scorching with colour –
Red; for their hearts that pumped ruby red blood
Yellow; for their Sun, their souls
Blue; for their clear skies and clouds that they sore through
White; for their peace and calmness
Green; for nature that environs what they have formed

The bright colours brought him to her personally
And their eyes locked as their fuel made the fire crackle
Nervousness made their blood rush faster
And made the exhaling and inhaling of their lungs louder
He leaned for a kiss and they tasted a fruit that seemed forbidden
Unleashing sweet delicious nectar
That their tongues never dared to taste

A million seas cannot quench the flames
That burns in them internally
As she has fallen in his heart
Through a hole she found in his armor
Their beats are as loud as drums in a parade
In tempo, in pace
Finally creating a musical
And melting into one person.

I wanna go :(

Last week in the NGO where I work, they needed someone to go to our office in Darfur for some IT job, (Not that I am at the IT Department) but anyway, I suggested I would go.. I've always wanted to see other places in Sudan, including Darfur, Juba, Kassala and Kadugly..

Unfortunately, My mum did not agree, I begged and plead for hours, no use! I was so dissapointed!

The next days when I told my colleagues at work bout my dissapointment, one of them showed me these pics taken from his last trip to Kadugly and Abu Jebaiha..

God, I so wish I get to go there sometime.. Its so beautiful....

Update:

New Pics sent to me by another very good friend.. Taken from Darfur..

Frustrated

This is for you Daana... Tas2al minnik al3afya ya 3asal ;)


Am I back? Really back??

Well I'm not so sure yet....

I missed this place.. I missed writing and putting my thoughts into words.. I missed reading your comments that always kept me going.. kept me beliving in what I'm doing..
But what happens when you just loose it..

Loose Hope.. loose the strength.. the will to carry on..

I just got really cought up with life around me.. my work(s).. lol.. yeah. Who would imagine a young 23 year old girl working for 3 employers at the same time.. morning and evening.. 6 days a week.. and still, its never enough!!! 7amdulilah...

I know many people have been reading my blog cuz they were curious, wanted to know more about a normal girls life in Khartoum.. But I havent been posting much about that either.. I mean, what do they wanna know?
That I wake up early at 6 am, sleep late at 12 or 1 am..
That I arrive my work place at 8.30 start doing a boring filled with routine job that I do NOT emjoy one little bit, in a place that got me really dissapointed and frastrated about the reality of how things really work in sudan.. and that my dream about working with an NGO being a great wondurful thing was just a naive illusion!

Do they wanna know that I leave that work place at 4.30 or 5, go take some lunch somewhere before I head to my other work place, where I am doing something I love but usually I'm just too tired to enjoy it..

Or maybe that by te time I get home at 8 or 9 pm I'm too EXHUASTED to even talk with my own mother, my sister or my younger brother, ask how they been and whats been going on, jut to discover the next day, that my uncle got married yesterday and my aunt gave birth to a baby last week and my grandmother been sick for 3 days.. and me not knowing any of this!

Oh, Ok, I know what can be interesting to them, the fact that I dont have time to work on my every own lifetime dream of a business project.. The idea is ready inside my head with people agreeing how simple but great this project is, but I cant find the time to write a simple proposal!!

And I know I need even more time to move around banks, investment companies, businessmen and supporting organizations in search for a funding way for this project!

And whats really depressing me, this is the 3rd Idea I get but cant put into reality.. The time factor.. The Money factor.. both have always failed me..

Sometimes I just wish if I could quit my job and focus all my time and energy on bringing my ideas to reality.. I knwo by time it would get more income than I am getting now.. but NOW is what matters right?

My mum has been working recently with a national Organization that works for Orphans, she suggested that I adpot and orphan.. not really adopt just financially support one. She even suggested one for me.. a 5 year old sweet girl who lives with her mother justa few blockes aways from us..

That is something I would LOVE to do, but I cant even find time for my own family.. I'm frightened that I might forget sending her the money she needs, what if I couldnt follow up on her needs, I dont want to give her hope then fail her.. my life is already messed up and crazy these days..

But the idea is so beautiful inside my head.. it could be a new challenge for me, a training for my very own motherhood soon enshala.. ( Ya rabb)

Talking about motherhood, I had this dream a few days ago, where I was holding a small baby girl in my arms. I felt this huge love and tenderness towards her.. I felt a mothers love for her...

Am I gettin too old??

*Sigh*

Ok.. I'm sure when you read this you'll regret coming over to my blog from the first place..
But I promise you, its not always like this! I'm just FRUSTRATED...

I Remember - II

"Remembering Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are"


How many times have we walked down that pavement on Nile Avenue? With the sunset, moonlight or diamond stars shining above us. How many times have we laughed? How many times have we cried?
"Are you jealous of her?!" you asked, thinking that this is the reason behind my strange attitude that night, but you were wrong... After talking for hours right there in our favorite spot, I finally confessed and showed the sorrow inside my heart.. Tear drops falling through my cheeks, one by one stabbing your heart. My pain was yours and your pain was mine. My heart was traumatized with fear.. Fear of the day, which was like walls closing on me from every side.
Our last day together, the final moments we get to share, our last chance of creating pleasant memories. A day that was so difficult and hard for me to go through, sitting by your side in that car through the day as you do your shopping, as you meet, greet and pay valediction to your friends and family.
All through the streets of Khartoum, Umdurman and Bahri.. All through the day hours, 10 am.. 12 pm until 4 pm, when it was finally time to race to the airport and catch your flight.

I remember those 3 minutes outside your friend's house, It was all the time we had together that day.. Galaxy chocolate and cigarettes flavored.

I remember the final goodbye. Hugging your friends one by one as I stood there behind you, closed my eyes, and wished so hard.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time to our first day together and start it all over again. I Wish I could stop the clock from ticking, stop the seconds from racing, stop the world from turning, stop.. stop.. stop!
Let me and you live a moment of love, caress and passion, a moment that would last forever. I closed my eyes, maybe I'd wake up and find that time hasn’t turned back, nor stopped but moved forward. Forward to the day when I'm expecting you in the airport after four seasons of loneliness..
I closed my eyes so strong so tight, like every time we were in a fight. I'd close my eyes and wish I'd wake to a beautiful reality instead of this terrible incubus.
I closed my eyes… I closed them so hard, so tight trying to imprison my tears within my eyelids, trying to disintegrate my pain, trying to outlive, outlast the sorrows.

The sorrows I have felt and the pain I endured since you have been gone is unbearable, as I have cried the aches of my heart every night and sobbed the emptiness of my soul every hour.
Counting the days, the hours and the minutes.. Only 20 days have passed since you took that plane.. One whole year left until my eyes get the joy of seeing you again, more than 12 months separate me from the warmth of your embrace, more than 365 days are keeping me apart from the pleasure of your presence in my life...

Cannot wait until the day you are back and light up my life once again…

I Remember - I

"Sunrise.. Sun rise.. Looks like morning in your eyes"...

I've always been in love with the colors of the sky. Sunrise it was, or sunset..
There was a magical sound, only I could hear every time we sat on the benches by the nile under those great old green trees. Trees that witnessed a million other love story.. Trees that stood still watching the passionate colors of the sunset..
How much have I loved those sunsets by your side, and the sunrise was something else, too early for us to be together at that enchanted time of day, but we did it once. A time I will never forget. It was still dark and so cold. You took a cup of coffee and I took a cup of tea, from the kind "Sit alshai" who was working so early in that bus station. We sat till the sun started to rise, different colors gradually appearing in the sky. light blue & red is how it started, and it was time for us to take the bus.. We watched the rest of the sunrise colors appear from the bus window.
Together we saw the sun rise above those streets of khartoum all the way to Madani..
Madani.. Your home town. I could see your love and passion for this small lovely city in your eyes from the first minute we stepped out of the bus and into your uncle's car, and just like everytime, I could feel the joy shining upon your face while introducing me to a family member of yours. Your brother, uncle, aunt, grandmother even your mother. I could see you were proud of me, made me proud of myself for being your woman.
But now, sunrise.. sunset.. They dont have that taste anymore.. sunrise is when I wake up and start another day without you by myside.. Sunset, is when another day ends and I realise how slow, meaningless it was without you.

I walk through the narrow streets of khartoum, with a group of friends but still feeling lonely.. These streets just seem so cruel and cold without your hand guiding me through it. Every corner and every street embraces a memory of times we shared.. our talks, our giggles.. our good times and bad.. the smiles we shared the tears we shed.. I pass by 15th Avenue in Amarat.. I see "Sit Alshai" who sits there everyday and everynight.. serving tea and coffee for people through out the long hours..and again I remember you... How many times have we stopped here for your cup of Jabana.. how many times have we argued over little silly things while waiting for your favourite drink.. The jabana in one hand.. and your ciggerette in the other.. a lethal combination I've always told you, but you never listened..
"I told you so" is how I always liked to end our stupid arguements.. My friends would look at us strange.. on how much we argue and wonder how can we argue, fight and differ so much, but still have this strong special bond between us. I belive, these arguments were what made us strong, it was what kept us together all this time.. and its what will keep our love alive for eternity.

Funny how we always laughed at our very own fights.. Remember that time in Airport road. I was seriously mad at you and very upset. I stood up and moved very fast towards the street planing on taking the first bus I see and go home. I crossed the first street and stood there waiting to cross the next, when I realised, I cant just leave you behind like that.. and questions of what if filled my head, I felt bad for what I did, wished if I could just turn around and go back to you, but my pride was stopping me. I wished so hard and prayed that you would come for me, that you would follow me. I turned around to see if you did, and there you were. standing right behind me. You didnt yell or scream, you just smiled.. I looked into your eyes, and saw that smile I've always adored, then I realised.. You are the one who will always be by my side, holding my back. You are the home I will always run to.

Memories of you and me, just keep on rushing in.. As I wake up every morning, and as I sleep every night.. its thoughts of you that keep me surviving, struggeling and holding on to this cold world..