Mid Night Notes :: Note 4::

Mid Night Notes

Note 4

25 March 2008


They say my life is a mess, and to be completely honest with you my dear, they are right.
They also say you are a part of this chaos. They say this should stop.
I should stop calling you, or waiting for you to call.
I should stop speaking about you every now and then.
I should stop thinking about you and dreaming of how would it be.
I should even stop writing these dreamful notes.

Should I?!

What if you're the only thing that is stopping me from going back to my addiction?
What if thinking of you keeps me busy from thinking about the past?
What if talking with you makes me feel needed, wanted, and precious after feeling worthless for some time?
What if you were the one right thing in the middle of this turmoil called my life?
What if those few moments I spend on the phone with you are the only moments in my whole day where I am truly my self, with no masks on, without pretending to be someone else?
What if the few laughs you give me are the only true ones through all my day?
What if you were the only thing that is keeping me strong, sane and holding on these days?
What if?

I know, they are right, and this is going no where, and I know you know this as well, but why should I give up on a wonderful feeling just because it will not last long. If I would have done it the right way as they see it, I should go straight up to you, told you of my feelings, and evolve my whole life around you only and no one else, maybe then they wont say all the things they are saying.

Did I say in any of my previous notes that I love you?
I don’t think I did. I am aware that love is much more than this and I know that I like you so much, but this feeling I deeply have for you have not and might not ever reach that point ever.
So why are they prejudging me?
Why are they sentencing my heart to grief, pain and loneliness?

I know I need you now.
So why should I worry so much about tomorrow?
If they are worried about you, I guess I should tell them they shouldn’t.
You're stronger, smarter and you already have it all under your control, and this is why I won't stop.
I know I can count on you, I know you won't let this go further than it should.
I believe in you.