Mid Night Notes :: Note 5::

Midnight Notes

Note 5

5 April 2008

For as long as I remember I always had a roller coaster-emotions, which was the reason why people around me found some difficulties dealing with me, but close friends and family members knew that no matter how angry and mad I get, it only takes one word or a single chocolate bar to make me forget everything and be that joyful and carefree person once again.

You haven’t known me for as long as these friends, but you have managed in a very little time to interpret my entire complex and convoluted codes.
It scares me when I think about it.
I have become an open book to you, easy to read and understand. You know the true meaning of each hum, each sigh, each yes and each no.
You know when I'm hiding something, when I'm lying and when I'm being honest.
Last night while we were talking, you said something that you really shouldn’t have, for now, I can't stop myself from thinking about it, trying to understand and read between the lines. Too bad I'm not as good as you are.
If someone else would have said those words to me, I would think that he is just trying to cheer me up, make me feel better or so, but knowing you, the sarcastic person you are, who rarely says something nice in a serious manner, you got me confused.
Did you really mean it?
But you would know what affect saying such thing will have on me, I know you would know that I'd be thinking about what you said all night and all the next day.
Now that I'm thinking of it, I realize that you were just being nice, and even if you did mean it, which does not mean in any way, that you do have feelings for me.
Where am I going with all these thoughts? With all these feelings I have for you? It's taking me nowhere. I keep telling myself that I should take you out of my head, stop calling you as much, stop thinking about you, stop talking about you, but it's easier said than done.
Every 5 minutes in the day, I look at my phone wanting to call you, but begging myself not to, in the end I just convince my self that it would be better to wait, maybe you're sleeping, maybe you're busy, maybe you're out, maybe you're with your friends, maybe, maybe, and maybe.
Eventually, I call you and talk for hours on nothing and everything, stupid things you say that make me smile, silly pranks you play that make me furious, funny stories you tell that make me laugh, enlightening facts you mention that make me wonder. Then I start acting like your mother, which you say you hate that, but I know you don't, you like it when I care about what you do and where you go, when I ask about your studies, your exams, when I discuss your future and make plans for you, guiding you to the easiest and best ways to reach success in your education and your career.
Am I doing that for your own sake? Or am I doing it for my own sake? I'm doing it for both.
But what makes me feel better is that now I know it's not only me who's working hard on this. I'm not the only one who's trying to make future plans, but that day you proved to me that you're thinking about it too. You have some plans and ideas, and you want me to share these plans with you.
I was so thrilled as I listened to you explaining your idea on your future project, it even made me happier when you asked me to help you with this project, and maybe if everything went well, if I would like to be your partner.
I do. I want to be your partner, not only in this project, but in everything else in your life.

A few days ago, I was speaking about you to a friend for a very long time, which seems like the only thing I'm talking about lately, he asked me "Are you in love with him?"
I stuttered.

Am I?